by Carol Denney; published October, 2006 The UC Office of Community Affairs is please to present the People’s Park Rules for the benefit of the new UC students and visitors to People’s Park, which is the official property of the University of California and the UC regents. The rules go through a lot of revisions, so please pay careful attention. These are the current rules, and will be operative until tomorrow, when we will have produced revisions to these rules, additional rules, and revisions to the revised rules which I will announce as soon as these revisions and additions are approved by the UC regents, amended by the UC Police, and subjected to creative revision by the site coordinators.
BABY STROLLERS: Baby strollers are allowed in People’s Park as long as they are carrying an actual, preferably living baby, or are within 10-15 feet of an actual, living baby, or if they have a written permission slip from an actual, living baby which has been notarized by an actual, living baby, or if the baby has a degree in astrophysics. Baby strollers are NOT allowed in People’s Park, which is the official property of the University of California and the UC regents, if the baby strollers are: filled with gasoline and have a fuse, or if they are loaded with alcoholic beverages, unless those beverages are from a very good year
PERMITS: Permits are required in People’s Park, which is the official property of the University of California and the UC regents, for gatherings of more than 10 people, unless those people are UC police officers, City of Berkeley police officers, California Highway Patrol officers, National Guard, ROTC recruits, or , of course, our large and growing contingent of undercover officers.
DOGS: Dogs are not allowed in People’s Park, which is the official property of the University of California and the UC regents, unless they are on a secure leash, under voice control, speak fluent Latin, or are willing to sign up as undercover officers.
CLOTHING: Clothing is not allowed in People’s Park, which is the official property of the University of California and the UC regents, unless it is accompanied by a human being showing sincere intent in wearing the designated clothing within at least thirty minutes, otherwise it is considered a threat to human safety and subject to water-boarding and sleep deprivation, which after all, is not torture.
PEOPLE: People are not allowed in People’s Park, which is the official property of the University of California and the UC regents, unless the people in question are accompanied by clothing worn on their actual person, preferably high-end clothing, preferably in the colors blue and gold.
SPEECH: Speech in not allowed in People’s Park, which is the official property of the University of California and the UC regents, unless the speech in question is soothing, uplifting, and does not tend to result in broken glass or social change.
HIPPIES, PUNKS, POETS, AND HOMELESS PEOPLE : Hippies are not allowed in People’s Park unless accompanied by an adult. Punks are not allowed in People’s Park unless accompanied by a hippy. Poets are not allowed in People’s Park unless accompanied by a publisher, and homeless people are not allowed in People’s Park, which is the official property of the University of California and the UC regents, unless they are or were once UC professors.
UC STUDENTS: UC students will be paid between $20 - $50 an hour to maintain a presence in people’s park and are welcome to join our undercover officers program.
LITTERING: Anybody caught littering will be detained, questioned, and neutered.
Again, these are just today’s rules, subject to immediate revision and amendment by the UC regents, who care deeply about the park’s welfare and yours. Please try to strictly abide by these rules while having a nice day. Thank you.
Carol Denney is a pushy gal who just can't leave well enough alone.